I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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