It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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