walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
