I just cut my nipple shaving
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My penis needs a shock collar
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
