I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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