he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
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she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
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I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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