lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
