the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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