so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
