Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
