I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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