I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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