when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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