I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
