watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It's rum buckets o'clock
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
