My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
