I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
