i would punch a child for taco bell
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
