woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
