I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
