Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
