I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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