Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
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So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
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Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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