My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Randomize
