I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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