I got chris browned last night
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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