I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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