Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
