I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
