my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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