I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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