come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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