My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
