I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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