do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
