you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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