when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
