Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
A+ Viking dick
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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