my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just took my morning after pill in the library
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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