It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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