I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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