I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
