my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
