That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
