I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
