Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
