i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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