I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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