I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
