So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We had sex on a dog bed..
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
