I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
