My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
