the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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