stop calling my apartment porn island.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
