Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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