So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
